“Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are!”
–Shakti Gawain
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate feelings and ideas directly and honestly. It’s standing up for yourself.
Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is assertiveness to an extreme. An aggressive person demands her rights at the expense of others, caring about her needs and no one else’s. Aggressive behavior is not attractive; people will avoid you and resent you.
Your aim is to be assertive.
Here are a few dos and don’ts to keep in mind as you develop your personal power:
Do . . .
- Listen only as a hearer, never do someone’s bidding. Because you listen does not mean you go along or pay attention to what is said.
- Talk at a pleasant pitch, speed, and intensity as in the “phone voice.” If your pitch is too high, breathe from the diaphragm. Rate is also important because it has an effect on people’s perception of you. If you speak too rapidly, people can’t understand you; too slowly and people lose interest, or worse, view you as less competent than individuals with a fast rate of speech. And finally, your tone should convey sincerity.
- Achieve the posture of power. If you slouch, sag and hunch over, you can’t breathe efficiently and this will show in your voice. Stand tall. Sit erect.
- Let others see you and recognize you as in control of every situation or conversation. You may turn your charm, pleasantness, and friendliness on and off and use when you feel necessary, but self-power must be “on” constantly!
Do not . . .
- Allow others to say what your feelings should be. A woman with a strong self-concept, high self-esteem, and good communication skills does not invite others to speak for her. Only powerless women and timid women are victims of unassertiveness.
- Let people advise you. No matter what they try to advise you on, and no matter how innocent, don’t let them to it. Politely question everything is said by way of advice in such a manner that the would-be advisor gives you the fact, situations, probabilities, and so forth. Use a series of “why’s” if necessary.
- Let people order or command you. When a person issues a command, even a small one promptly say, “Did you ask something?”
- Talk apologetically. When you talk apologetically, people see you as lacking backbone . . . they look at you as weak and, yes, unassertive. Avoid “maybe-ing.” When you think before you speak, you are fully definite in what you will or won’t do.
Want to learn more about this career tip?
Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No: How Assertiveness Training Can Change Your Life, by Dr. Herbert Fensterheim, published in 1975.
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